


The Holtzmann Inkjet 5000

by holtzbabe



Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: Established Relationship, F/F, Oops, PRINTERS
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-24
Updated: 2016-10-24
Packaged: 2018-08-24 09:27:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8367085
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/holtzbabe/pseuds/holtzbabe
Summary: “Stupid—”Erin smashed her fist down onto the hard plastic.“Gosh darn—”She kicked the side of the machine hard enough that pain instantly shot through her foot.“PRINTER.”She let out a loud shriek of frustration.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [SwabbieJilly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SwabbieJilly/gifts).



> "But Madeleine, what about your other fic?" No, shhhhhhhh.
> 
> Hi guys. I promise the final chapter of 'underneath the electric stars' is coming! I have to write a Certain Deleted Scene that I've been putting off because I can't bear the thought of my babies being unhappy even for a moment. Also life is insane rn with school, but apparently not so insane that I couldn't whip off this ridiculous oneshot. Uhhhh...enjoy!

“Stupid—”

Erin smashed her fist down onto the hard plastic.

“Gosh darn—”

She kicked the side of the machine hard enough that pain instantly shot through her foot.

“PRINTER.”

She let out a loud shriek of frustration. At his desk, Kevin jumped.

“Hey, hey, hey,” Holtzmann’s smooth voice came from behind Erin and a second later her hands were resting on Erin’s shoulders. “What’d our printer ever do to you?”

“It did absolutely _nothing_. That’s the point.” Erin kicked the base of the printer again and gave it a rough shove for good measure. She was about to strike it with her fists again when Holtz slid her hands from Erin’s shoulders and captured her wrists, pulling them behind Erin at the same time that she tugged her backwards and out of reach of the printer. “Let me go, Holtz,” Erin whined.

“Not until you tell me what our poor printer did to deserve the wrath of Erin Gilbert.”

Erin twisted as much as she could in Holtz’ grasp and looked over her shoulder at her girlfriend. “It won’t work.”

“I gathered that.”

Erin huffed. “No, it _really_ won’t work. I’ve done everything and all it does is print blank pages.” She struggled in an attempt to free herself. “I just want to hurt it like it’s hurt me,” she growled.

“Erin. Honey. Sweetheart. Love muffin. Cheese and onion scone. As much as I appreciate the fact that you’re willing to fight anyone and anything for crossing you, even inanimate objects, you’re concerning me just a smidge. Wanna ease up a lil?”

Erin stopped struggling and looked back at Holtz again. “Did you just call me ‘cheese and onion scone’?”

“Hmm.” Holtz looked pensive. “I could really go for a cheese and onion scone right now.”

“Holtz.”

“Wanna go get one with me? Go for a nice stroll? Clear our heads? Get some fresh air? Put as much distance between you and the printer as physically possible?”

Erin sighed. “Fine. Will you let me go now?”

Holtz chuckled. “Come on. It’s like you think I don’t know you at all. Nice try.” She pulled Erin another few steps away from the printer and walked them in the direction of the door. Once outside, she linked their arms together so Erin couldn’t make a run for it. They took off down the street in the direction of the closest café.

Erin sighed. “It’s just like…we’ve done so many incredible things with technology as a species. And yet I’ve never encountered a single printer that’s worked. Why don’t printers work? How have we not figured out how to make a working printer? Do they build them like this on purpose so everyone has to keep buying new ones? Is it like, a collective agreement in the printer industry? I don’t get it. I have an entire computer in my pocket, but there’s no such thing as a printer that does its job.”

“Tell me more about this newfound vendetta you have against printers. I love it.” Holtz pressed a kiss to her cheek.

So Erin continued. She could talk for _hours_ about her hatred of printers.

They arrived at the café a few minutes later. Holtz ordered her scone and a hot chocolate with triple whipped cream (“trip-whip,” as she called it) and a large drip coffee and oat square for Erin without asking. She took them from the barista and handed them to Erin, who was still ranting.

“…but the thing is though, there’s no _reason_ for ink prices to be so high. They’re priced way above what—oh, thank you, you didn’t have to do that.”

Holtz just winked and slurped up some whipped cream.

They took a seat at a table in the corner and Holtz ate her scone. When she was finished, she propped her chin in her hand and sipped at her hot chocolate while gazing adoringly at Erin.

Who was still on her printer tirade.

She kept ranting until she would run out of breath, then she’d break off a piece of oat square and chew on that for a few seconds, before launching into her next point.

After about 20 minutes of this, she petered out. Her coffee cup was empty and even the crumbs of her square had been eaten.

Holtz tilted her head. “Feel better?”

Erin slumped back in her chair with an exhale. “The only thing that would make me feel better is a functioning printer.”

A moment passed where Holtzmann looked thoughtful, then it was gone. She stood and gathered their garbage, then extended her hand to Erin. “Come on. Let’s head back. There’s at least a 36% chance that a project I left in the lab when you distracted me has gone into full meltdown in our absence.”

She was probably joking, because when they arrived back at the firehouse to a smoke-filled room, even Holtz looked concerned.

“Oh, hey guys,” said Kevin.

Abby and Patty spun around from where they were standing in front of the printer. Abby was holding a fire extinguisher. “Where have you been?”

“Date,” Holtzmann replied instantly. “What happened?”

“I don’t know!” Abby said. “The printer started smoking out of nowhere and then it caught fire.”

“Did either of you use it today?” Patty asked.

“Nope, no, uhhh…definitely not,” Erin said. “I bet Kevin broke it.”

“I’m not allowed to use that printer, remember, boss?” Kevin said. “Maybe it’s just unhappy. It seemed pretty sad when you kicked it earlier.”

“You _what?_ ” Abby said.

“Thanks, Kev,” Erin muttered. “Hey, there’s no use speculating. That printer was on its last legs. Maybe it just gave up.”

Holtz slid an arm around Erin’s waist. “Yeah, stuff spontaneously lights on fire in this lab all the time. Doesn’t mean anyone’s to blame for it.”

“Naw, you’re always to blame for it.” Patty shook her head.

“Are you suggesting that I’m behind the printer lighting on fire?”

“That’s exactly what I’m suggesting.”

“Are you?” Abby asked.

“Uhhhh…”

Erin felt Holtz shoot a sideways glance at her.

“…yeah. Probably.”

Abby sighed. “ _Really_ , Holtz? Fine. You’re in charge of getting it fixed or buying us a new one.”

Holtz saluted her. “Righty-o.”

Erin pulled her away and upstairs to the second-floor lab. “You didn’t have to do that.”

“What kind of girlfriend would I be if I didn’t?” Holtz stood on her tiptoes to kiss Erin. Her voice turned sly, “You can make it up to me tonight.”

Erin smiled against her lips.

The rest of the day slipped by and 5:00 rolled around. Everybody but Holtzmann usually took off around that time, but Holtz liked to stay late. Erin was used to it. Sometimes Holtz wouldn’t get back to their apartment until after Erin had gone to bed (which wasn’t hard, considering she had a very strict bedtime of 9:30 unless she had a reason to stay awake. Holtz was very good at providing reasons for her to stay awake.

Erin bent over Holtz’ worktable to give her girlfriend a kiss goodbye. “See you later. Don’t work too hard.”

Holtz grunted in response and barely looked up from the circuit board she was fiddling with.

Erin got home, made dinner, put aside a plate for Holtzmann in the fridge, and settled onto the couch to watch a movie and wait for Holtz.

By 9:00 she was already dozing off and there was no sign of her girlfriend. She typed out a text and sent it.

_Are you coming home any time soon? I’m going to fall asleep before I have a chance to “repay” you._

There was no response for a while, and Erin was just starting to panic that her girlfriend had been blown up in a lab accident (a completely rational fear) when her phone vibrated.

_Holtz: Don’t wait up. I’m working on something verrry temperamental right now_

_Holtz: U can repay me tmrw night instead ;)_

Erin couldn’t help but feel disappointed. She swallowed and sent a response.

_O.K.; be safe. I love you._

She waited for a response for a while but one never came. Finally, she got up and prepared for bed.

It was always a little harder to fall asleep on the nights when Holtz’ warm body wasn’t taking up half the bed (not her own half, mind you—Holtz was a big believer in cuddling) but Erin eventually drifted off.

She jerked awake some time later when the bed shifted and she felt Holtz climb in. Usually she drifted back to sleep shortly after, but something caught her attention. There was _light_ coming in through the curtains very faintly.

“What time is it?” Erin croaked.

Holtz snuggled up to her and swept some hair from her face. “Shit, sorry for waking you up.”

“Holtz. What time is it?” Erin repeated with a bit more volume.

“5:30,” Holtz said. She pressed a kiss to Erin’s shoulder. “Now shhh, I’d like to get at least an hour of sleep in before the alarm goes off.”

“Holtz,” Erin hissed. “Did you seriously _just_ get in?”

Silence. Then, a few seconds later, a snore. Holtz’ ability to fall asleep on demand was truly a marvel.

Erin just sighed and closed her eyes again, letting the rhythm of her girlfriend’s quiet snoring carry her off to sleep again.

Holtz slept through the alarm, no surprise there. Erin disentangled herself and went to put on a pot of coffee. The smell of it wafting through the apartment was usually enough to wake Holtzmann on mornings like this.

She stumbled out of the bedroom not long after. Erin looked up from the kitchen table, where she was sipping her own coffee and reading the paper.

“Jillian…” she said sternly.

Holtz winced. “Ouch. First name. I must be in trouble.” She poured herself a mug of coffee and came to sit opposite Erin, kissing the top of her head as she walked past.

“You know how I feel about you pulling overnighters at the lab.”

“It’s dangerous, yadda yadda yadda. I knowww. I couldn’t leave though! I was working on something important.”

“What could be more important than sleep?”

Holtz shrugged in a way that made it pretty clear she was hiding something.

Erin considered her. “What d—you know what, no, it’s too early for me to question that.” She turned her attention back to the paper.

Holtz seemed jittery the entire way into work. Erin chalked it up to the lack of sleep and the three cups of coffee running through her veins. They beat the others to the firehouse. Erin set to work turning on all the lights while Holtz hung up their coats. Then something caught her eye.

“Holtz,” she said, frozen as she stared across the room.

“Yeah?” Holtz appeared beside her and rested her hand on the small of Erin’s back.

“What is that?”

“What’s what?”

“You know what.”

“Are you referring perchance to the Holtzmann Inkjet 5000?”

Erin blinked, still staring at the hulking monstrosity that stood where their old printer used to be. “Is that…a printer?”

“Oooh, it’s a printer alright. And not just any printer. Come on dowwwn, you are the next contestant on The Holtz is Right!” Holtzmann made game show noises as she moonwalked over to the machine, which didn’t look like any printer Erin had ever seen. She swept her arms wide.

“This baby right here comes equipped with dual printer trays, a scanner, self-stapling, self-hole-punching, and self-origami-folding, automatic paper refilling, gallon ink wells, self-cleaning programming to prevent the printer heads from getting gunked up, and soon-to-be-patented anti-jamming technology.” Holtz smacked her hand down on the metal. “Made from premium grade materials, the exterior can withstand fire, lightning strikes, floods, power surges, and the iron fist of one Erin Gilbert. I can personally guarantee that this is the best, most structurally sound printer you’ve ever seen. I would just say…maybe ask me before opening the hood? You’ll need a level four radiation suit. But when it’s sealed up, the lead casing should protect you…most of the time.” Holtz glanced back at the machine doubtfully, then back up at Erin with an excited grin. “All this can be yours for the very low price of a kiss right here.” She tapped her mouth with her index finger and leaned back against the printer smugly.

Erin’s mouth was hanging open. “You built that? For me?” She strode over to Holtz and threw her arms around her neck, kissing her until they were both out of breath. She pulled away and laid a hand on the smooth metal of the printer. “I can’t believe you put this together overnight.”

Holtz booped her on the nose. “That smile on your face: more important than sleep.”

Erin’s heart grew warm. “I love you. Thank you for the…what’s it called again?”

“Holtzmann Inkjet 5000.”

“Thank you for the Holtzmann Inkjet 5000. You may have singlehandedly cured me of my hatred of printers if it works.”

Holtz scoffed. “ _If_ it works? You think I didn’t spend a full hour testing it?”

She jutted her chin at a massive stack of paper on Kevin’s desk. Erin released her and went to pick one up.

In massive, bold type it said: **Erin Gilbert is amazing and I (Jillian Holtzmann) am in love with her!**

Erin blushed and examined the sheet below it. It said the same thing. She looked under that one. And under the one after that.

“Holtz, do these all say the same thing?”

“200 copies.” Holtzmann nodded. “Had to be _real_ sure that it worked. I’m gonna distribute them like flyers later.” She winked.

Erin blushed deeper and set the papers back down.

“Am I forgiven for staying at the lab all night?” Holtz said.

Erin moved back over to her and wrapped her arms around Holtz, pulling her closer. “Definitely. And now I’m going to pay you back _extra_ hard tonight.”

Holtz grinned. “Excellent.”

That night, Holtzmann passed out on the couch by 8:00. All Erin could do was shake her head and smile at the woman she’d fallen in love with, then press a kiss to her forehead and cover her with a blanket.

The next night, then, for sure.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't even know, guys. I don't even know. This fic was inspired by the hour I spent this morning fighting with my own printer to try and print stuff for school and the conversation I was having simultaneously with the incomparable [Jillian-not-Holtzmann](http://lil-peanutt.tumblr.com/) about how much we both despise printers and how Holtzmann would probably build an EXCELLENT printer. This one's for you! (And I totally stole that line from you OOPS)
> 
> Come follow me on [Tumblr](http://holtzmannerin.tumblr.com/) and encourage (yell at) me to work on Ch. 14 of electric stars instead of writing bizarre oneshots about printers.


End file.
